august 2009

[august1st, 11:27p.m.]
why're you so mad all the time? i like setting up booby-traps. i always liked pretending like i was a secret agent with my cousin alyssa at my aunt's house every holiday we were together. not enough to bother.

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[august2nd, 11:24p.m.]
so i guess you're asleep now, because the air catching in your lungs is rattling this entire house. i've been working at culver's for a little over a month now, and i really don't have a lot to complain about. you seem like such a good person. i hope i get to see you more often. i'm not looking forward to a lot of tomorrow morning. at this point, i'm not really missing you. i don't 'forget' to call, i just pretend like i do. i think i've got potential to have a personality disorder.

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[august3rd, 11:59p.m.]
i like this dress a lot. happy birthday, jordan.

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[august4th, 11:00p.m.]
i wish i had unlimited texting. i don't really have a lot to say.

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[august5th, 9:50p.m.]
for a second i thought i heard you say, 'i love you'. then i knew i was hearing things. i'm just sitting here, listening to my mom's conversation with the people i don't really know float into this room. what do they talk about all the time anyways? i've been forgetting people's names a lot lately. i almost got in an accident today. i wonder how you'd feel about that.

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[august6th, 10:56p.m.]
i drove on empty today for a good twenty miles. i hate that feeling. i wish i had my own car, so bad. work today was basically exactly what i expected. i wonder if you meant any of that. i did. there are a lot of things i need to buy, like shoes and an ugly doll and tickets to kathy griffin live in chicago and a car. the first three total out to almost two hundred dollars, which is going to be my paycheck next friday. holding grudges is not one of your many strengths.

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[august7th, 7:58p.m.]
i think if i had to lay my head to rest in the same house that you do, i'd blow my brains out in a matter of seconds. i'm finally starting to get sufficient hours at culver's, and that means my checks are going to be sufficient, and my life is going to be sufficient. i wish you meant it. tomorrow is going to rub reality in my face about my brother leaving. 'maybe it's sad that these are now memories. and maybe it's not sad.'

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[august8th, 11:51p.m.]
i just want to give you a huge hug. congrats, billy.

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[august9th, 11:30p.m.]
i love scrabble. i couldn't miss you if i tried.

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[august10th, 11:59p.m.]
i am not very good at scrabble.

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[august11th, 3:23p.m.]
today could turn out to be a huge accomplishment. within the next two hours, i am cleaning out every nook and cranny in my bank account. you wanted out, so stay out. i can't wait until the day when i realize that i'm more well-off than any other kid my age that i know, all because of me. how old are you, really? today has been going the speed limit.
p.s. i know you never meant it when you told me you loved me, and that's why my responses didn't mean anything either.

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[august12th, 11:32p.m.]
today went by fast.

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[august13th, 10:30p.m.]
my jaw hurts from chatting and being numbed and drilled into and filled and things. "why, sure! i'd love a lemonade." don let me drive his passat today that smells like acorns and dried fruit. that car is hot, and he plays opera music, and the floor-mats are spattered with dirt and crust. i hate how the real-world does their pay-checks. are you dead or are you sleeping?

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[august14th, 11:41p.m.]
quite frankly, no. it hasn't been getting to me. not really. i have a lot of things going on tomorrow. i don't like watching the gas gauge.

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[august15th, 11:59p.m.]
i hate how i'm always your 'plan b'. thanks for making me feel like a priority. it's more than clear the whole 'me-missing-you' is not a mutual agreement. i never have time to write these anymore. i'm considering another leave.

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[august16th, 11:55p.m.]
i'm exhausted. our computer is broke, again. i wish i had a bird. i don't really want to work tomorrow.

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[august17th, 11:50p.m.]
i am not mentally prepared to let you back into my life. perhaps when i'm feeling considerate i'll let you know. i don't work at culver's all week. i went school supply shopping with brock today. i literally run into everything. i need some inspiration. august is getting monotonous.

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[august18th, 9:18p.m.]
i don't like buying my own gas, or oil changes, or insurance, or tires, or wheel alignments, but i do love my car! i hope you know it was me. plus, you're cute. i think my eyebrows are starting to rise, this is a good sign. if someone betrays you once - it's his fault; if they betray you twice - it's yours.

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[august19th, 6:12p.m.]
i've got to get ready soon because i'm going to go hang out with tom for four hours. i feel rude when people buy things for me. i need to make a new cd. i need to get ready. i'm not really here, anymore.

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[august20th, 5:48p.m.]
i'm just waiting. i think i have a severe anxiety disorder. sometimes i get so bored painting my nails that i just stop, and don't continue. at all. i have no reason to want to give you a favor. you've got a lot of ground to pick-up with me. answer my question before this bullet reaches it's destination.

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[august21st, 11:42p.m.]
i don't know.i am so happy knowing that i make so much more than i spend.

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[august22nd, 11:45p.m.]
i don't like where i'm at.

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[august23rd, 6:57p.m.]
i probably owe dad almost eight dollars, but i don't really care to give it to him. tracy and i are having a pa-jam tonight. i've missed her.

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[august24th, 11:32p.m.]
i'm gonna miss you.tonight was fun, actually. i wasn't doubting it, i just wasn't sure.

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[august25th, 12:27p.m.]
i'm actually fine with one week left to summer's name. this is the most immaturity from you i've ever experienced. i'm not really excited to go back to school and 'see people'. if you meant that much to me, we'd have arranged something this summer. i might be going to college within this state, after all.

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[august26th, 10:39a.m.]
the seconds feel like minutes, and the minutes like hours, and i've just been sitting here, waiting, for days and it hasn't seemed to effected anyone but me. i missed my dentist appointment this morning, even though i set three alarms. i don't really want to work tomorrow morning. billy comes home today. like right now, i'd just rather you give me a solution. you talk so loud.

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[august27th, 11:45p.m.]
i'm stuck at the train tracks. i'm going to miss you so much. things already aren't the same. i love you! please keep in touch. this will be the downfall of us all.

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[august28th, 11:02p.m.]
i hate being around you guys. it makes me feel so lonely. i don't like bowling. i kind of want to drive tomorrow to leslie and matt's. mom and i are good again. you're a cute kid; please don't corrupt yourself. i miss jeremy already, and he hasn't even left yet.

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[august29th, 11:42p.m.]
time isn't even passing.

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[august30th, 11:59p.m.]
this pizza isn't very good, but thanks anyways. i almost missed this.

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[august31st, 8:44p.m.]
i like to imagine how in less than twelve hours i'll be sitting in a desk a block from here, listening to some old monotonous individual tell me about schedules, and grading scales, and things i don't care about as all the people i avoided all summer drown me in their new clothes and fresh notebooks. i don't really like getting up early, and i don't like school. i like being somewhat challenged, and i only get that from the people i converse with. my teeth hurt, again. i want soup. i want to be 'out-of-someone's-league'. teach me something. goodbye and goodnight, summer.