april 2009

[april1st, 9:16a.m. room132]
he presses that spacebar like he's mad at it. i don't want to sabatoge this. i'll let you come to me. it's only wednesday. i took a seven hour nap from 7p - 2a last night, then finished it from 3a - 6a. economically, i'm at a standstill; it feels like it takes two months for my paycheck to come in, as opposed to two weeks. i love cruising well above the limit. i like making myself laugh. truth is, i'm not feeling a void without you. truth is, i don't care that we aren't friends anymore. truth is, you have a lot of growing up to do, and until then - i'm not going to clean up after you. today is crawling and i can't stand it.

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[april2nd, 10:01p.m.]
i'd really like to meet someone who takes me further than hello, and anywhere other than goodbye. april, you're the fool.

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[april3rd, 11:09p.m.]
i'm hungry, and my ankles hurt. fact of the matter is, i am trying. take that into consideration when you degrade me on a daily basis. i lack confidence.

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[april4th, 10:32p.m.]
i don't even know what to say anymore.

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[april5th, 10:00p.m.]
i'm greedy with my money. regardless of what it may seem like, i'm a great sister and i know that. the truth is easier to remember. i can't wait until you confess just so i can ball it up and throw it back in your face. you're such a bad liar. i love being in control. why do my knuckles hurt?

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[april6th, 9:40p.m.]
i sort of like wasting my time. i like when people pay attention to me. i hate being ignored, and i hate "gut-feelings". my phone dies too easily now-a-days, and i think i'm switching back to the first phone i've ever had once this one breaks in half. i'm sick of your nagging. usually, i just don't feel like typing. three days until spring break.

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[april7th, 11:03p.m.]
i hate losing.

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[april8th, 9:18p.m.]
i did my homework for the first time in months; you'd have never guessed that had you been looking at my report card. why do you scream all the time? i don't live next to a forest anymore, and no, i didn't move - the trees did.

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[april9th, 11:53p.m.]
dads coming in tomorrow night for dinner. i love driving around with you! hey spring break.

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[april10th, 5:33p.m.]
that lady's fingers at the bank have a mind of their own. i haven't got a lot to say for today. there are a few things i hate about lent, and one of them being friday. they're flattening the land next to our house and landscaping it and making it a pond. i'm excited, because i think it'll look nicer than a bouquet of dead twigs.

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[april11th, 8:29p.m.]
i can't tell when you're lying, and that scares me. at dinner last night, i couldn't help but eavesdrop on the neighboring tables conversation. truthfully, i'd have much rather accompanied that seat than my own. i hate where you are, physically. i don't trust that idea with any ounce of my being and i wish you didn't either. you're so set on 'having fun' that you've missed the entire concept. it's not who you're fighting, it's what you're fighting for.

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[april12th, 11:53p.m.]
i'm not up for typing.

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[april13th, 11:52p.m.]
you became really unattractive in my eyes the minute i stepped behind that sheet and into your room. i get paranoid driving on the highway at night. if the weather is bad tomorrow, i'm not going running in the morning. i'm sick of wisconsin.

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[april14th, 11:42p.m.]
i love when i am the life of the party. "brandon thinks you're rad, by the way." i'm not trying to please anyone. i've got to run two miles tomorrow morning. with nights like tonight, i'm fine with where i'm at.

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[april15th, 1:25p.m.]
do you ever just stare at a single spot and watch everything around it move? i like when my dog goes exploring. i like the smell of my clothes when my mom uses a fabric softener sheet. i don't feel like i'm looking for something anymore. i hate talking on the phone when i know it'll lead to arguments. this morning was the best; i love not being able to catch my breath running because i'm laughing so hard. i can't wait to hang out with you tonight. it must be lonely, being a pessimist. i like who i'm becoming.

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[april16th, 11:53p.m.]
i feel like i completely wasted spring break, but at the same time i don't.

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[april17th, 11:33p.m.]
i haven't felt that comfortable and at-ease in a while. i think there's something about you. i love bonfires. i wish i didn't have such a monotonous curfew. i couldn't fall asleep right now if i tried.

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[april18th, 11:53p.m.]
i'm so happy you asked. i love those long talks with people who can hold conversation. today wasn't productive at all. i'm always late. maybe i don't want to go.

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[april19th, 9:13p.m.]
i don't want to go back to school. but in a way, i can't wait for tomorrow. i can't wait to see you. i've missed you. prom is on may second, and i'm going.

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[april20th, 10:42p.m.]
i love the sound of your laugh. the right speaker just decided to wake up. i wish people would stop texting me, because i'm already sixteen over. i love when my plans follow through. thanks for today.

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[april21st, 9:44p.m.]
i'm going to go make some toast with grape jelly soon. today, i fell asleep in american studies, and the only reason i woke up is because i had a dream i dropped a vase and i twitched. i don't know what to do about this. i hope you're right. if it's meant to be, it will be.

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[april22nd, 9:23p.m.]
i'm exhausted.

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[april23rd, 9:47p.m.]
things just don't bother me anymore. i'm a very good birthday-card maker. i've got a lot of things yet to do tonight. i saw you, and everything. i just didn't want you to see me. i have got a good feeling about this weekend.

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[april24th, 9:53p.m.]
when you believe in me, i believe in myself. i'm happy, and i think i'm convinced this time.

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[april25th, 11:56p.m.]
i hate watching movies where everyone is happy; they've lost reality. it's been raining all day. i like it.

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[april26th, 9:11p.m.]
it's been raining for two solid days, and i love it. i've been cold for the last six hours, but maybe that's because i'm wearing shorts. i'm sort of sunburnt right now. i'm never content anymore. i'm sick of being told i'm not good enough. i just don't want to see her do to you what she's done to him. he's the biggest mess i've ever encountered; you're too good for that. i could be somewhat distant.

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[april27th, 9:40p.m.]
i'm tired. i wish someone would answer their phone.


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[april28th, 10:26p.m.]
i literally do feel like i'm the best at the eight-hundred meter, regardless of if that's true or not. i love hanging out with all you guys. i'm becoming independent again, and this time i think it's more consistent.


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[april29th, 10:20p.m.]
i'm sick of pretending like i'm interested. after a while it stops hurting and starts to kill.


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[april30th, 9:02p.m.]
i was almost flattered to begin with. tomorrow is friday, although i feel like it should have been three days ago. i don't know what i want anymore.