we aren't four-way-crossings

i no longer know boundaries.

i don't see fault in telling you how i truly feel, because raw emotion is human. raw emotion is what you're supposed to build relationships on, and if your "raw emotion" is fake emotion, your relationships are fake, and the feelings are fake, and every time you call up one another on the phone just to see 'what's happening and what's new and i really like that new sweater you bought because it brings out your eyes' is fake. you're in the friendship because you feel obliged to. friends are not obligations.

i don't see the fault in having feelings, period. if i feel like i'm being ditched, i'm going to tell you. if i feel like i'm unimportant, i'm going to tell you. let's face the facts, people don't, won't, and hardly care to figure out how you truly feel unless it is dropped on a lure and dangled in their face. people do not search your actions and sentence structure to find out what you truly mean. people don't care, but i do. i'm going to tell you when i feel like you're ignoring me, because i want to know why. i'm not going to assume because the point of that is that there isn't one. i'm not going to tip-toe around the point, i'm just going to spear you with it.

i still don't have many friends, and i wouldn't even say i'm looking. people who matter, will continue to, and the people who don't, never will. i'm past the point where i'm desperate for things to do on friday nights when i'm sitting in my living room as the sun waves see-ya-later to the moon and i turn on comedy central like i do every day because i want to see if anything new is funny or makes me laugh but it hardly ever makes me laugh and i look through my phone and notice that none of these people matter and i don't like ninety-eight percent of them anyways and i think, 'why don't i delete them?' but i don't, and i continue to scroll and sit and watch and flip channels

alone

and i can continue to pretend like it's fine, and it's okay, and i'll just listen as the conversations that spill from my moms lips and creep into her friend's brain stutter in the silence.

i no longer want to be the only person like this. someone has got to understand that it's human to have an opinion. i shouldn't have to read between the lines and decipher all this shit to figure something out.


we aren't four-way-crossings.