february 2009

[february1st, 10:36p.m.]
you're the most ignorant person i've ever met, and i mean that in the heaviest sense. i can't believe some of the words that spill from your mouth; if i wasn't in such awe, i'd had punched you right in the teeth. ben painted a picture of me, and it got in an art show. i'm not sure if i should take that as a compliment, or if he's just a good painter. the ink has seeped into my pores and won't wash away. i need a break from this routine.
______________________

[february2nd, 9:27p.m.]
i'm taking a shower in ten minutes. today, i was told i've got a real public-speaking voice, and a radio-personality. truly, it was the most sincere compliment i've gotten since saturday, two days ago. you really are annoying, and i apologize for thinking so, but i lack in the patience department. i didn't have any homework tonight. i love photography class, and walking around with my best friend of ten years. i have got a lot of things to do tonight. it's february second, and today i just realized that i wasted a month of this year already.
______________________

[february3rd, 7:53a.m. room151]
i've been waiting two months for that book in the library. "should i put your name on hold again?" my sister's birthday is in less than two weeks. my knee hurts. i hate the music he plays in here; not only is it beyond loud, but it's obnoxious. he has four filing cabinets, all of different size, color, and look, and they stand next to each other like new york apartment structures. this hour ends in five minutes. it snowed last night, and i'm mildly annoyed. the music doesn't scream from the speakers when he's out of the room. my best friend is waiting at home for her doctor to call. i'm hungry. she has to hem her pants because she's so short. someone just whispered in the hallway, "look alive."
______________________

[february4th, 9:10p.m.]
truth be told, i like to win. i love talking to you, especially since i truly haven't in a while. i'm in such a good mood, i wish i was more often. i'm bored. my hair is still wet. i'm hungry. she is the lamb, he is the slaughter. tomorrow is thursday, and that means it's exactly six weeks until i get my license. there are a lot of things i'm counting down for.
______________________

[february5th, 10:02p.m.]
there's more knots in my stomach then there is in my hair. i can't wait to talk to you on the phone tonight; you make me giggle, and it's fun. i've got to get in the shower. i owe dominic a dollar. no excuses.
______________________

[february6th, 12:46a.m.]
i think my mom wakes up in the middle of her dreams and goes to the bathroom. now, i'm not positive because my room is upstairs, and i'm a heavy sleeper, but i just think this is true. tomorrow, i'm going to go to that room in the school where the books sleep in uniform order, collecting dust in the dark so i can find extremely loud & incredibly close. just because i want to read it, that room probably doesn't hold it. one day last year, i remember, i was feeling so incredibly lonely that i turned my phone up to the loudest volume setting and left it in my pocket all day to prove my point. i didn't get my phone taken away that day. i never get my phone taken away. twice this week i've been told i belong on the radio. am i really that interesting? i intend to improve someone's day today. i think i just got appreciation for my personality, because in forty years, those "gorgeous" people aren't going to be so gorgeous, and the threads pull over their heads every morning aren't going to fit anymore, and they won't be able to continue to ride on other's accomplishments. this post is truly all over the place, and i'm curious as to why i keep explaining everything. i'm worried one day, i'll have nothing to say anymore. i like when people sing me things; it can be loud, or soft, or slightly out of key, but it's the fact that they sang it, and they sang it to me. once, i chased a rainbow. i'm starting to have a really difficult time with listening to people brag; whether it's that i don't care about anyone else, or that i just want to focus on my own accomplishments, i think i make it more than obvious. i want to go visit my grandparents, because something has got me worried about this year. in a sense, i want to apologize. i apologize for being so confrontational and exposed. maybe you didn't want to hear that? i'm sick of being the only one who speaks their mind. i get my liscense in forty-one days, and that means i turn sixteen in forty. it's 1:11a.m., and this is the closest i've been to 11:11 in a long time. someone told me that 11:11 is the only time on the clock when all the numbers are the same; i mean i haven't given it much thought, but it seems right to me. i don't wish on 11:11 anymore, by the way. i feel like i subtly jinx myself in the most obnoxious way. i just want someone to walk in front, and i'll follow the leader.
[continued9:23a.m. room134]
i'm probably wrong about the room number, but i can't go look. the library had that book i wanted, but now i've got it. i hope we can hang out on saturday. one, i miss you. two, i need to go to wal-mart. i asked becka to get me my favorite book for my birthday. i should be doing my math, but with four minutes left to the hour, it's kind of a lost cause. she talks so loud. i'm one of four in this hour, mostly every class. sometimes, a stray joins, but that's rare. what's for lunch? the desks in here match the chairs. my stomach keeps complaining. today, my fingernails match my shirt. that book from the library is heavy. that painting on the west wall hangs over the fireplace at my dad's house - if he hasn't moved it. i've got a test next hour. after speech class, i've always got the most inspiring things to say - the deepest - but i don't want to share them. taylor's sleeping over tonight. my weekend seems weak.
______________________

[february7th, 11:44p.m.]
i'm only on the second page of that book, and i've already begun to fall in love with it. i'm happy to know you trust me. mom said that she prays i get another chance with god, because when "judgement day" comes around, she doesn't want him to see me as a non-believer. i hate being contained.
______________________

[february8th, 10:15p.m.]
i didn't do any of my homework. i also don't care.
______________________

[february9th, 10:29p.m.]
my throat is sore, and has been for the past two days. i'm kind of worried, almost. i got four hours of sleep last night. i don't feel like typing.
______________________

[february10th, 11:14p.m.]
it feels like it should be a friday. i love wrap-a-round porches. i should probably get some sleep tonight, but i'm not exactly counting on it. mom still hasn't arranged my spring break plans, and to tell you the truth - i'm getting worried. barb didn't sign me up to work this weekend. i can't wait for you all the time. goodnight.
______________________

[february11th, 8:11p.m.]
i thought it was you on the other line. i was disappointed to find out i was wrong. i hope you couldn't hear it in my voice, if you could even hear me at all. i think i want rice for breakfast for the rest of my life. maybe that's a stretch, but i like rice a lot. there should be leaves on those trees outside my window. this is the first day i've stayed home from school all year. my dog never jumps on that chair from the left side, no matter what.
______________________

[february12th, 10:36p.m.]
i've got a lot to tell you, but because my computer is on a leave of absence, it'll be delayed. goodnight.
______________________

[february13th, 11:38p.m.]
it's friday the thirteenth. the showers at oconomowoc didn't work. i'm so excited for tomorrow. my stomach hurts.
______________________

[february14th, 10:46p.m.]
my room is a mess. i'm tired. happy valentine's day.
______________________

[february15th, 10:00p.m.]
i hope this lasts a long time, you make me so happy. one month, four days until i get my license. i have seven dollars in my wallet. i'm kinda hungry. i haven't been to my dad's house in almost a month, but who's counting anymore? i didn't work this weekend, and there's no school tomorrow. tomorrow is also maggie's birthday; she's thirteen. i can't remember if i've got homework to do, but i don't care. i wish you didn't try to sound so impressive. for what it's worth, it's not impressing me. i wish you'd knock it off and grow up. i like thinking about the things like, if the world ended all at once then no one could come to my funeral, or how even if i am right about this entire religion ordeal, by the time i'm certain about it all, it'll be too late to tell anyone. i hate how everyone is putting up these pictures from snowball; everything is the same, it's just the locations that differ. for what it's worth, my valentines day was really nice. i want to make some food. i really liked going out for lunch today, and if it didn't cost me $9.47, i'd probably do it more often.
______________________

[february16th, 8:53p.m.]
don't ever do this to me again. sometimes, i think my weakness is my own brain, and the fact that i can over-analyze something to the point of insanity. i'm worried all the paths i'm traveling on are one-way streets that i can't go turn around and go back on. i hate missing the ending of a movie. my computer has sound now. i think i'm a really nice sister. happy birthday, maggie.
______________________

[february17th, 9:57p.m.]
billy needs the computer. i'm waiting for a phone call. i have a feeling my hair isn't going to turn out how i wanted it to. i need to repaint my nails. i wish you'd just pick up the phone and call, you know i don't have unlimited texting. my hair is sopping wet, and i don't think i spelt that right.
______________________

[february18th, 10:12p.m.]
my birthday is in exactly a month. i like to feel like i'm living in the left lane.
______________________

[february19th, 11:15p.m.]
i get really excited when i talk to new people. today was my last day of basketball practice, and tomorrow is our last official game. what happened to you? you're so different from the person i met two months ago. i won't let anyone walk on my friends. you're actually the one who deserves better. i wish i could do more for you; you've done so much for me. i really like winning, especially when i'm the underdog. i'm glad to say you're my best friend. you never let me down, and i love knowing that you wrote an entire speech on how important i am to you. this summer is going to be really amazing, to say the least. i get my license in exactly a month from today, "if i pass".
______________________

[february20th, 11:39p.m.]
tomorrow morning, halley, nich, and i are going out to lunch in west bend; i've got a giftcard. i never did anything, so quit trying to put me on a guilt trip. it's your fault, and for the first time in a while, i'm not going to take credit for anyone else's mistakes. i've cried more today than any other day i can think of recently. i played my last high school basketball game today. in a sense, i almost am going to miss it; that feeling is so diluted by all the things i wish hadn't changed about how much i loved it, though. i'm almost mad i didn't meet you three months ago. there's an eyelash in my eye. i hope everything works out because i can't stand to see you like this much longer. i painted my nails blue, but that's got to come off after tomorrow night.
______________________

[february21st, 11:46p.m.]
lunch got cancelled for today. i work tomorrow morning. i don't really have much to say. i hope you aren't discouraged. i need to put more music on my ipod. realization is setting in.
______________________

[february22nd, 10:05p.m.]
that's all i really needed to hear. you're my inspiration. i'm not willing to change, not now and not in the near future. i got eighty-six cents in tips today. i can't believe it's sunday. i miss who you were. i wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend.
[continued10:14p.m.]
i'm sorry, but you're never going to win when you're arguing with me.
______________________

[february23rd, 9:46p.m.]
thanks for the disappointment. if i've learned anything from you, it's that there is a reason my middle finger is the longest one of them all. i don't work this weekend, i'm off to chicago. i've got to give a speech on wednesday pretending like i'm ben stein. i need to get in the shower. i wish you'd call again; you don't know how much last night meant to me. breathe easy the doctors are about to arrive.
______________________

[february24th, 10:42p.m.]
hey, big guy, i'm counting on you for this one. take full advantage of this, and prove something to me. i got my hair cut today. i want to fast forward to june 14th. i'm frustrated with everything lately. i think you're well worth waiting for. i don't plan on working out during any of my two weeks off from sports. why? because for the past three months i've worked out for two to four hours every day. i think i deserve a break; don't hassle me. this is me without you.
______________________

[february25th, 7:37p.m.]
mom wants me to go to bed tonight at eight, except that is not going to happen. i'll defend you until i die. no one even noticed my haircut. sometimes, i wish my internet would break so i could see who really has enough in them to find another way to talk to me. i gave my ben stein speech, and it make everyone laugh. i wish you weren't so set on arguing with me all the time. you're not the only person in this house entitled to have a bad day. if i leave at 7:16a.m., i get to school just in time. something broke in our shower upstairs, and that's frustrating to me. michael is calling me at 9:30; i miss talking to him. mom still hasn't talked to my cousin about me going there for spring break. my birthday is in three weeks. i like that mountain dew voltage. i want some new shoes. my fingernail hurts because i kept biting it, and now it's about a fourth of the length it used to be. don't make me wait.
______________________

[february26th, 7:51p.m.]
everything is falling into place. i just need someone to listen. i don't know what i'm going to wear to my cousin's bridal shower in two days. this is steve's shirt, or was - because i'm not giving it back.
______________________

[february27th, 10:02p.m.]
tonight is all that i needed. there is a smiley face that the skin on my hand swallowed. i miss you already. i'm going to chicago tomorrow, and i'll be back sunday. i still haven't written that whole word document on how rude i am, but i guess i don't have class until the eighth, so i'll take care of it then. i can promise you this much, i'm never talking to you again. do not ruin my night.
______________________

[february28th, 8:59p.m.]
i'm frustrated. i think i've decided that i'm not buying a car on march 19th, or before unless by some miraculous event i get a grand for my birthday, which i am not. i spent four hours in a car today, alone. i'm just not afraid of you anymore. i hate when my dad raises his voice.